"Thank you for calling the British Army. I am sorry but all our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, the Falklands, burning/burying farm animals, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory equal opportunities training, we will return your call."
"Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following messages."
"If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, then press 1 for the Royal Marines."
"If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press # for the Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends."
"If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write well in advance to, The First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall, London."
"If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps."
"If you are in real, hot trouble, please press 3, and your call will be transferred to Sandline International."
"If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization and are prepared to work your arse off daily, risking life and limb, in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over recruiting sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station."